Better Off Without a Wife For all the bachelors out there tonight. Yeah, for anybody who’s ever whistled this song [plays the wedding march] Or maybe you’ve whistled it but you’ve lost the sheet music. Eh-he-he-he. This is eh.... Well, actually, I don’t mind going to weddings or anything. As long as it’s not my own, I show up. But, eh... I’ve always kind of been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out. You know... [whoops from the audience] Oh yeah, you call yourself up too, huh? Yeah... Well, one thing about it, you’re always around! Yeah, I know. Yeah, you ask yourself out, you know. Some class joint somewhere. The Burrito King or something. You know... Well, I ain’t cheap, you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe, you know. Then you’ll be... some provocative conversation on the way home. And park in front of the house, you know, and you... Oh yeah, you´re smooth with it... you know, you put a little nice music on. Maybe you put on like... you know... like shopping music, something that’s not too interruptive, you know. And then, you know, and eh... slide over real nice, you know, say, ‘Oh, I think you have something in your eye’. Eh-he-he. Well, maybe it’s not that romantic with you, but Christ, I... you know! It ain’t... you know... Take myself up to the porch, and take myself inside. Oh, maybe... I make a little something, a brandy snifter or something. Would you like to listen to some of my back records. I got something here... Well, usually about 2.30 in the morning you’ve ended up taking advantage of yourself and... there ain’t no way around that, you know. Yeah, making the scene with a magazine, there ain’t no way around... I’ll confess, you know, I’m no different, you know. I’m not weird about it or anything. I don’t tie myself up first, I just... you know. I just kind of... spend a little time with myself. So this is kind of a little anthem here: BETTER OFF WITHOUT A WIFE All my friends are married Every Tom and Dick and Harry You must be strong if you’re to go it alone Here’s to the bachelors and the Bowery bums Those who feel that they’re the ones That are better off without a wife Cause I like to sleep until the crack of noon Midnight howlin’ at the moon Goin’ out when I want to And I’m comin’ home when I please Don’t have to ask permission If I wanna go out fishin’ Never have to ask for the keys I’ve never been no Valentino But I had a girl who lived in Reno Left me for a trumpet player Well, it didn’t get me down He was wanted for assault And though he said it weren’t his fault You know the coppers rode him right out of town I’ll be sleeping until the crack of noon Midnight howlin’ at the moon And I’ll be goin’ out when I want to Comin’ home when I please Don’t have to ask permission If I wanna go out fishin’ Never have to ask for the keys Yeah, you see I’m kinda selfish about my privacy Now as long as I can be with me We get along so well I can’t even believe it I love to chew the fat with folks I’ll be listening to all your dirty jokes I’m so thankful for these friends I do receive I’ll be sleeping until the crack of noon Midnight howlin’ at the moon And I’ll be goin’ out when I want to Comin’ home when I please Don’t have to ask permission If I wanna go out fishin’ Never have to ask for the keys, no Hey, I got this girl I know, man, and I just... She’s been married several times and... I don’t wanna end up like her. I mean, she’s been married so many times she’s got rice-marks all over her face. Yeah, you know the kind... [returns to the wedding march] Words and music by Tom Waits ©1975 Fifth Floor Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Recorded live and engineered by Bones Howe at the Record Plant and Wally Heider Recording, Hollywood, July 1975 Assistant engineers: Rick Smith, Ron Marks, Kelly Kotera, Steve Smith, and ‘Big Norm’ Dlugatch Tom Waits: Vocals and piano Mike Melvoin: Electric piano Jim Hughart: Upright bass Bill Goodwin: Drums Tracks 7-8 on the album ‘Nighthawks at the Diner’ 1975 Time (intro): 3.02 Time (song): 3.59 Other live versions are available on the following bootleg albums and tapes: Pete Shelley did a cover of the song on the album ‘Step Right Up - a Tribute to Tom Waits’ 1995 One Dutch cover has been made ("Beter Zonder Wijf"), by Johan Verminnen, on the album ‘Stilte als Refrein’ 1976